Divorce can be ugly. There IS a better way.
The story, or one version of it.
Him: I’m in shock. I knew we were struggling, but I didn’t think that things had gotten to the point that she was done. She filed, and now I’m looking at an Order to Vacate sent by her attorney. Now I have to get out of my own house? Where am I supposed to go? We didn’t even talk about this. Can we afford to support two households? How often will I see my kids? I guess I need an attorney.
Her: He’s been secretive lately and I don’t know what’s going on. I can’t do this anymore. Counseling isn’t working and I want out. I don’t know what comes next. He manages the finances… I don’t even know what we have. I don’t think I can trust him to be fair. I want him out of the house. What about the kids? How am I going to do this alone? I’m glad I found an attorney who’s assured me that all of my concerns will be dealt with and all I have to do is let her do her job. I’m relieved the court forced him to leave the house. I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with him anymore.
The story, or another version of it.
We’ve been to counseling and we agree that it’s just not working. We’ve been talking about how we want things to go and what we want to tell the kids. We don’t want them to get caught in the middle. Our reality is we’re doing OK, but we certainly don’t have money to burn. We don’t know what this is going to cost, but we want to do everything we can to not let expenses get out of control. We want to work together to ensure things are fair and there is little impact on the kids. At this point, we agree we should move forward, but we also agree we need help. What kinds of things need to be included in our divorce agreement? How do we divide up what we have fairly? And what about the future? How do we get to a financial agreement that gives us both a fair shot at a future after divorce, not to mention, planning for the kids’ future. We know we don’t want things to spiral out of control, so we’ve decided to explore mediation.
The Smart Divorce Solution
Design Your Divorce Together
with Mediation
You mean we can design our divorce?
I thought a judge decided? We don’t have to duke it out with attorneys? Actually, no. And let us tell you why you don’t want to.
SANITY.
Don’t let your divorce consume you or define you. You have a new life to create. You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
BANK ACCOUNT.
Do you have a spare $10,000 – $100,000+ laying around that you’d like to donate to your attorney’s kids’ college fund? Nope. Me neither.
YOUR KIDS.
It’s your kids! Something’s gotta be done about your kids! You do not want to cause unnecessary emotional harm for them in this divorce. They learn by watching you, and they ARE watching. Teach them. Set a good example. #whodoyouwanttobe
Your divorce your way.
Most people think that once their decision to divorce has been made, what comes next must only involve attorneys and the court system, and that the law dictates what the future looks like.
OK, I’m listening. How do we do that?
You don’t have to do it all through attorneys and the courts.
While attorneys and the court system are involved, their level of influence can be controlled. And their impacts on your future kept to a bare minimum.
Enter: Mediation.
Mediation is a process where:
And you know what comes with that?
Mediation provides a controlled environment where you are in charge of the conversation. A professional mediator will guide your conversations and keep you on track. You will have scheduled conversations about agreed-to topics, with full transparency. Everything is shared with both parties and nothing is withheld.
You know the conversations you’re going to have, you know the information is going to be full and complete and you know the conversations are going to be productive (if you both show up, emotionally).
When you’re speaking directly to each other and you’re not communicating through attorneys, the conversation is more purposeful and less expensive. In mediation, you’re discussing what’s most important to you, keeping emotions in control and staying on track. When you have an attorney representing you, you lose control of the conversation and communication becomes ridiculously inefficient. And what is now out of your control costs you $300/hour or more, times 2.
Staying in control of the conversation keeps things on track, takes less time and saves you Boo Koo bucks.
Most believe that divorce has to be sorted out in court. But that misconception can turn you into fodder for the family court system. Once you’re in the court system, it becomes this reactionary response to a process that has no playbook. You get sucked in and it’s a merry-go-round you can’t get off. You completely lose control.
It’s scary. Really scary.
Because you don’t know what you don’t know and frankly, don’t always know who to trust.
Avoid the darkness of the unknown. Through mediation you stay out of court, and you control the process. Don’t miss the importance of this control. It means you maintain decision-making power over things that will affect the rest of your life, decisions you don’t want someone else making for you. Together you will craft an agreement that works for both of you. Then, when the mediation conversations are over, you engage attorneys to review your agreements and simply file the divorce for you.
You get to keep your sanity by not being bound to a process that you don’t understand, can’t control, can’t predict that erodes you emotionally and financially. To the tune of tens of thousands of dollars. Save your sanity. Save your money.
I can’t talk to my spouse—that’s one of the reasons we’re getting divorced.
How can we possibly design our divorce together?
Yep. Divorce is emotional. We get it. And when things get emotional, it’s hard to communicate. Sometimes you get all crazy and what’s in your head is not what comes out of your mouth. It’s normal. That’s where the mediator comes in.
The mediator helps you translate your emotions into clear thoughts. Mediation provides the structure, the environment and the support to help you stay calm and create the clarity you need to design the divorce that works best for you. Take a deep breath. You’ve got this.
The mediator is going to say things like, “tell us more about that.” “What do you mean by…” “How does that look when you see it in your future?” “Tell us why that is important to you.”
A Mediator Will Provide:
A Mediator Will Not:
Will mediation work for us?
Let’s be straight. Mediation is a remarkable tool for the people capable of using it. The question isn’t really if mediation will work for you. Mediation always works. The question is will YOU succeed or fail at mediation.
You will be successful at mediation if:
Through this approach, you will establish a foundation for you and your family to move into post-divorce life. This is what we like to refer to as a healthy divorce. Committing to this effort means what comes after can be as great as you want it to be. The benefits of mediation can extend far beyond successfully designing your divorce. What you’ll learn is that you CAN talk and work together, which will be so important for you to successfully navigate post-divorce life and maintain that healthy divorce. Just think about how that will affect your kids.
You will fail at mediation if:
Taking an approach that relies on attorneys and the court to resolve your conflict is almost certain to result in initiating a process that will appear to have no limits, no boundaries and often contradictory rules. You’ll likely feel lost, misunderstood and possibly desperate. Your decisions will be made for you and you will be left to pick up the remaining pieces of your life and challenged to put them together in some way that makes sense. The sad reality is there are precious few stories of family court that have a happy ending. And guess what. It’s not over. If you have children together, this rollercoaster will continue for many years to come. Oh, and you’ll be missing a huge chunk out of your bank account.
How we’ve helped others.
When you come to this unexpected fork in the road in your marriage, there are a lot of things to consider. I highly recommend you start a healthy conversation with divorceatlas.com before you make any decisions to move forward with your separation or divorce.
I’m very happy with the decision that my husband and I made to collaborate and utilize the services of Kari and Dan. If you and your spouse can have an open conversation about what is and is not involved in the dissolution of your marriage, this is a great option for you.
In times like these we get A LOT of advice on how to handle situations that might have looked similar to someone else’s…your situation is unique to you, and so is the mediation process. I hope that you do all your research, read all the reviews on all your options, and end up here in mediation with Kari and Dan.
The online course was very helpful and opened my eyes to things that I hadn’t considered. The approach that appealed to me the most about the process was the breakdown of getting prepared, getting healthy, and achieving success. Using services through Divorce Atlas will be all the things you need during a very highly charged emotional period in your relationship. Thank you to Kari, Dan & Divorce Atlas for making a very difficult situation more bearable with your kindness, patience, knowledge, and presence.
Judy S.
Chicago, Illinois
